digging deep

Our Minds are so weird aren’t they ?

Today I had a day off work.

I had to get a train into the city , normally I just drive to work. The train is a novelty.

I had an interview as part of my application in becoming a citizen.

The fact that I even applied and I am finally admitting to myself I am now Australian has been a very long arduous road and I suspect that if I am accepted to become an official Aussie it will be an emotional day. Despite being in denial and preparing for my citizenship test the late night before, I managed to pass the test with mark of 100% . So it seems my body and mind absorbed what living in this land requires before my conscious mind was even aware.

Once that task was done for the day I then had some time alone. I am trying to avoid spending money so I knew I just wanted to go home and chill out. When I am leaving for work most mornings especially Mondays I day dream about sitting at my beautiful inspirational desk and writing, creating, editing. Why then when I had free time was it the last thing I wanted to do ?

Instead I crawled into my bed with my laptop and watched “Dirty John” on Netflix. The kind of story that stays with you long after it has ended……………..

2pm and I only have an hour left.

I lay down in my bed fully clothed in my jeans and silver jumper and doze. But alas the fact that I haven’t done any washing or cleaned the kitchen is too much to bare.

Why is it when I am filling up our broken washing machine with water through the detergent drawer jug by jug by jug am I struck with inspiration, clarity and an itch that needed to be scratched. ?

I am having to dig deep of late. I have even written the word on my blackboard above my desk “Dig Deep”

I am listening to Podcasts, I am reading inspiring books. I am doing all my usual tricks of sleeping, exercising and eating well.

When our minds are clear by carrying out menial tasks inspiration can strike us down.

My Dad always talks about routine and how important it is. “When times are tough routine can keep you on track”. But doesn’t it feel like you are on a Merry Go Round, only the music is that boring elevator music and the beautifully decorated horse is a drab old ironing board.

But its in the moments when I am on the floor folding clothes that have been sitting in the laundry basket for three days now that I can think. That I can tell myself to keep going, that I deserve this that I am so lucky, as I fold the clothes of a beautiful man who supports me in his own silent non vocal way. That I have been gifted two amazing boys, that I have a roof over my head and I have my own job and my own independence.

It’s so weird that I have found myself here. The quiet one in the corner who turns out to have the loudest look at me voice hiding behind a screen or a lens as the case may be.

But no matter who you are. We all want to contribute something don’t we. ?

We all feel like we need to be heard , to be seen, to add to the loud voices next to us.

And why shouldn’t we ?

As long as we are not harming others.

We all deserve to be believed.

Just Keep Going.

Put you Head down and Keep Going !

and so this is what I do.

I sit down and write and I begin to awaken the seed.

I tell Mrs Selfish Doubtfire to go jump in a lake and extinguish her burning desire to sabotage me.

I find her in the words and the pictures.

Put your Head Down and Keep Going.

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